The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Randomize
