I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
