my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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