My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He passed out mid-signature
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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