Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
