phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have fence marks all over my body
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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