I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
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