I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
