I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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