I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
