So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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