just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
