69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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