i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
