Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
