it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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