gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
