i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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