I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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