rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
