When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I intend to get homeless drunk
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
