Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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