I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
