On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So I just went to clothing optional bar
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
