i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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