my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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