So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
