So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Someone came in the potted fern
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
