Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Randomize
