If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
