i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
They took my balls.
Randomize
