So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize