is your mom at the bar?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
