just come out here and I will go home with you...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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