I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
