you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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