I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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