The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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