The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
