i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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