Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
