I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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