I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
