I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
