She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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