Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
