I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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