Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
