There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
