Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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