If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
