I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
