Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
