I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
