census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
