So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
