Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
