hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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