I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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