i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize