Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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