If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
