pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize